nancy's definitions of hell:
hell is not knowing what morgue your child is laying in.
hell is being told by the medical examiner it's too late, the autopsy was done yesterday.
hell is reading that autopsy and recognizing your child just from the descriptions it contains.
hell is knowing the weight of your child's brain.
hell is a container of cremated remains with your child's name on the paper attached to it.
hell is a toe tag in that container that has obviously gone through intense heat.
hell is walking into a room of co-workers and their conversations cease.
hell is feeling badly about sharing any of this due to it making someone uncomfortable.
hell is being asked what is the matter with me.
hell is waking up remembering.
hell is remembering as you fall asleep.
Your remarkable insight will take you from the hottest part of this hell. Love will help you in the healing. Discomfort in reading this? No dear, I am honored and humbled that you have let me this close. I stand still and quiet - in awe. I love you.
ReplyDeleteWorking through the anger is perhaps the most difficult part of the journey, Nancy, as it gets mixed up with guilt and just plain sorrow. As I wrote in my book, mine was kind of a shot-gun approach, the targets not at all well focused. I knew that I couldn't be angry with my husband or my young son, so like you I found many targets before working through it. Your writing in the blog will help you, but if you have complaints against the various agencies you mention, perhaps letter writing to them or to Supervisors might help to heel.
ReplyDelete“Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it stands than to anything on which it is poured." - Unknown
In the meantime, know that we care about you and how you're doing. A privilege to read your blog. Thank you.
Joan
It's an Ill Wind, Indeed...that blows ho good.
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...heal I mean.
ReplyDeleteTHANK YOU Deborah-what kind and caring words. They mean more than you may ever know.
ReplyDeleteTHANK YOU Joan-you continue to always be just where I know I can reach out and feel your encouragement and support. Yes, the anger is so debilitating. Your suggestion of letter writing the agencies made me actually smile. Since Danny died during a long New Year's weekend and our being notified on the 'holiday monday', every agency seemed to be closed. However I am sure every agency knew of my angst when they returned to normal business the following day. Screaming into every voice mail I could reach, and some I am sure I reached more than once seemed to be all I was allowed to do that day. The fact we were 650 miles away and he wasn't a minor child-at 28 he was his own man-meant that no agency needed my permission or authorization for anything. The fact that drugs were involved and there were questions meant the autopsy and toxicology needed to be timely. I respect the agencies and how everything was handled and have just realized this while writing this. Healing is truly possible when the sorrow is placed into the light.