Sunday, August 14, 2011

and baked

baked beans in the making


are good for us and my TBA read mentioned black beans, red (kidney beans), and pea beans. David loves Western NY style baked beans made with navy/pea beans. This is NOT your southern BBQ, tomato based Pork 'n Beans. Nope, this is just beans cooked way down before adding butter-a goodly amount of butter-like a whole stick of butter-and a heaping helping of brown sugar-did I mention "heaping helping"? Some salt and pepper and then bake it down. It's awesome! He eats it cold on white bread with more butter (it's all about the butter in the Ikeler clan). I'll post a picture of this when it's out of the oven. Right now it's still simmering on the stove.

TBA read also suggested that I eat more chicken. Makes me laugh and think of a roadside billboard for a popular fast food place. I would have thought more seafood or less meat completely. But this was a strong point so a lovely chicken is going on the rotisserie today as well.

David is interested in a TBA session. It will be interesting to discover what musical tone he resonates to as well as the foods that support his health and well-being. I would also love to learn everyone of my friend's and family's musical resonance. It somehow puts us all in a song. What chords are we forming? Who are the dissonant tones in my song?

Saturday, August 13, 2011

Total Body Analysis

is amazing and so enlightening
Apparently "I" resonate to the tone we know as C#
Time to explore this tone.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

some music and some knitting today....

music is sweeter with new strings..
some time to work on some things I don't know
some time to work on some things I know a little
some time to work on some things I know and really enjoy

knitting is always a haven..well almost always
the great Annis knit-out is continuing
I have 1 finished and 1 about midway
Rebecca has 1 off the needles and 1 about midway
that's 4 by my count!

The pics will wait till we can post them all together

and my heartbeat today is steady..August is a busy month at the Prayer Registry which has the children registered by their "death-dates". Looking at the pictures of these faces is so grounding for me. Holding these families in my heart in healing meditation is healing for me. Writing to the families and to the one's who've gone on is strengthening me. As we approach what would have been Danny's 34th birthday, we honestly feel we are in a better, stronger frame of heart and mind than we've been for the last 5.

Friday, August 5, 2011

Thursday, August 4, 2011

sucker punches I have known...

oh nance, we are sooo sorry to hear about your boy..if there is anything we can do just let us know, ok..oh by the way, did you hear our daughter is getting married this year?

so what all did he take? didn't you know he was an addict?

sometimes I would give up my firstborn in a heartbeat!

oh honey you just go ahead and cry..just let those little old tears just come pouring out.

was it suicide? are you sure it wasn't suicide? how can you be sure it wasn't suicide?

you seem down today..what's the matter?

sure can't wait till you get back to normal!

you need to get past this and get on with your life!

well at least you had him as long as you did.

I can do this...

and I am

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

hell you say?

nancy's definitions of hell:

hell is not knowing what morgue your child is laying in.

hell is being told by the medical examiner it's too late, the autopsy was done yesterday.

hell is reading that autopsy and recognizing your child just from the descriptions it contains.

hell is knowing the weight of your child's brain.

hell is a container of cremated remains with your child's name on the paper attached to it.

hell is a toe tag in that container that has obviously gone through intense heat.

hell is walking into a room of co-workers and their conversations cease.

hell is feeling badly about sharing any of this due to it making someone uncomfortable.

hell is being asked what is the matter with me.

hell is waking up remembering.

hell is remembering as you fall asleep.

no apologies....

as I begin my descent back to hell..and if this bothers anyone..oh well! I am fully armed and protected and not afraid of this journey. In fact I awoke to the most beautiful and haunting melody in my head and heart this morning..and it was Grace's voice..and as thrilled as I was and attempted to get up and capture it..sleep took me back even deeper..and now it's just a knowing. This is the work..the music follows the work.

so here's the plan..go back and find the pain...feel it and heal it. those who know me can hear the nancy-ism.." hard can that be...let's do it!". It's easier to do this 3rd person for the purpose of the journal is in first person and pretty darn raw..not anything I'm willing to share in that format.

first order of healing is this raging fire of anger..and it's not your basic cranky's the most pissed off anger if nancy bites your head off and hands it to you..just put it back on yourself..she can't fix anyone else right now..she's working on her own self.

nancy felt like broken glass all day yesterday...and a dear dear friend who is encouraging this healing work just gently suggested she make stained glass.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

a deep musical musing....

it appears my music path has narrowed and steepened thus causing me to pause and reflect on my next steps. During this pause, I discovered another path that would lead me-in a direction I have purposely avoided-but now I know if I will take this path, it WILL lead me back to my chosen path with much less emotional baggage. This new/old path will lead me back into some seriously dark and painful areas that I have chosen to not revisit-however I apparently left fragments of myself in this dark region-unconscious in suspended disbelief and horror. I need to bring all of myself onto the music path so now I must go find these fragments and convince them it's all OK and to come with me now.
I realize this is a tad more dramatic than we like but it's the focus of music at this time. Knitting is my constant lifeline as is a new and stronger practice of meditation.